Choices

Since day one, I’ve been writing the same song. I’ve been talking about the same stuff that’s around me. Only now do I realize where I went wrong. I won’t quit at what I best though, no, that wouldn’t make very much sense at this point. Instead I will transcend into something better. I must prove to myself that I have the ability to do what I want and say what I mean. Saying what I mean has become the most important thing for me and I will never give up that dream. There’s a fire inside my belly as we speak that does not let me forget. If I were too through in the towel now I would become something that I hate and I do not want to hate. I know I am a person worth loving but I am just not ready for it at the moment. There will be a time where I am completely ok in my skin and then you will see what I mean and by you I mean me. There’s a lot of fear inside me right now as I type this but I’m really trying to turn this into fuel. I’m trying to use this as inspiration. This keyboard is going to end up being my best friend and I know it. I must create in any way possible and I know I will make works of art. I’m trying to be as enthusiastic as I can about everything. I’ve been a negative soul since I can remember and recently I realized that it’s doing me great harm. I have a tendency to push others away, while not letting anyone truly get to know me. Perhaps it’s a defense mechanism, but I have come to master this. I used to have no remorse being a loner in life until it started to push the person I love away from me. This is when I began to question what I truly want. From here on out I will not give a shit, I will flow with the current that’s around me. I can be happy if I want to be, for it is a choice.

My first entry

I have trouble with my grammar so please go easy on my editing.

I’m looking straight at it. This life of mine comes in waves of pressure that leave me numb and paralyzed afterward. I try and break the habit any way that I can. My walls are melting into the ground with all the pictures on the walls. I’m left with a dark mess that greats me when I first open my eyes in the morning. The blinds are shut but my window is open and I can hear the distant noise of everyday life. There’s cat lying right beside me and funnily enough it seems more miserable then I do. I lie awake for a while remembering where I am and I’m slow to get up and start my day. I open my netbook trying hard to find a good laugh. Usually I’m able to find humor in things others usually don’t but it’s a little different these days. I sit in a chair for a long time that’s facing a window not knowing what to do. Finally I can no longer take it. “If I stay here I’ll drown” I say to myself. I quickly go and grab Ryan’s skateboard. I emerge outside and the sunshine is unbearable. It’s a little too beautiful for me to handle. I start skating down the road as fast as I can, my legs thanking me for actually using them again. It’s a very tiring but rewarding experience and I instantly feel ten times better. I’m going pretty fast down the road looking at all the emptying houses, same model after another. There’s water running down the gutter and the reflection is almost blinding. I see no other person outside because everyone here has normal jobs and they are all at work. By now I’m riding on the other side of the neighborhood which goes in a circle. I take a look around for some owls I used to see all the time but they aren’t to be found. I’m starting to get really tired because I don’t normally skateboard. “This neighborhood is a lot fucken bigger than I remember.” Finally I’m near the street that I live on, my crumby old car being the landmark, a complete eyesore for this type of neighborhood. As I arrive, that great feeling I had starts to subside. I stare at the house I live in, and suddenly all these memories start to flood my head. I don’t want to go inside but I do. I sit back on the chair facing the window and I stare out.

dome/peaking

dome/peaking

1.
The fondness
that settles between us
torturing onlookers
with their glazed over
eyes ugly to the touch
but strong on the tongue

The disease is strong also
in you, but worded incorrectly
and I feel as though you
might take that as an insult

Describing in detail when it doesn't really matter
describing in detail when it doesn't really matter
describing in detail when it doesn't really matter

2.
(I had this feeling, answer, question, thought)

3.
what is the most important thing in your life?

4.
watching people undetected
I'm afraid of where I'll go
usually the most respected
I step into the unknown

I gave it a minute
I gave it a thought
then I gave up
and decided to not

Glittered with interest
Dying with passion
Tales tattered apart,
torn open, thrown away
splattered in a blender

I thought I was onto something that time.

look what god made me do

i dont know if it was the feministas
that got beaten up by chicks when they were young
and now blame it on barbie
or that anorexic chick
that used to jog down sunrise at 4:30 in the morning
when it was still dark
so noboby could judge
her horrific body
or the video game industry
looking to deflect the blame
or mabey it was the vegans
and their placebo spirituality
or oprahs foul vomit breath
champoining all those that belived in inner beauty
only because their inner vanity
was discusted by the image in the mirror
or mabey it was just white guilt all together
but if i had to guess
at what actually that killed the hostess twinkie
i would say it was you
just like the time you blamed your rotten lungs on joe cammel
because a cartoon pack animal
with a face like a scrotum
makes you want to put something in your mouth
and smoke it
how could they have let all that cancer
that comes from smokeing
that they have been warning you about
for the past 50 years
happen to you

the mouth is mightier than the sword

   my angel left.

  "it" got tired of me calling it a motherfuckin hermaphrodite.

  "i am neither male nor female" it kept insisting

  i would laugh in its face and say, "well then lift up that skirt ya fuckin ken dall. lets see that shit. lets settle this once and for all."

  the untouchable angel got touched and flew off in a huff. i think this was back in the summer of '89. since then some family of wet backs have been squating on my right shoulder. wich sucks for the rest of society because i dont understand spanish. like i know the cuss words and shit but the rest, as it turns out, gets translated to me by the devil on my other shoulder.

The earth twists and turns
and mourns with hurt
as she is destroyed and desicated.
Her perserverance shines through
all of the gloom
but she still feels suffocated.
She only wants relief
from all the death and disease,
trapped in a terrible dream
where waking is an impossible solution.
The only remedy
for such lethargy
is annihilation
of the human condition.

anxiety

What is a website to look at people fucking?

I'm feeling seasonal and I'm interested in seeing a Santa Claus-themed fuck fest

I want to watch something with a title like "Santa's naughty little helper"

or anything along those lines sounds good

I enjoy the dialogue of Porn.

I watch porn just for the dialogue

A lot of people don't know this about me but I love to dance

But I only do it at home in front of a mirror because I look ridiculous

Even my cat walks away when I do it

I wonder what it's like to have friends…

pregnancies

I know seven people that are currently pregnant.

seven babies

seven 'miracles'

seven lives

seven possible wives

seven hearts

seven car-seats

seven headaches

seven vaginas

seven ejaculations

$7 Dollars, the price of seven condoms

This could have been prevented

seven happy people?

14 boobs let loose at the same time

secreting milk for their baby humans

14 boobs turn blue to fill baby bottles

being the same thing to multiple people

She moved her hair behind her ears and laughed, so calculated it seemed, I rolled my eyes and continued to quietly analyze her actions. Spellbound, her grace was unparalleled, her natural beauty encompassed every aspect of her being, everything she did was effortless, she drew people into her with nothing but a wave of the hand or a curl of the lips, I cringed at her delicate demeanor, I wanted her just as much as the next guy, and she knew this. I doubted that there was much that she didn't know. Oh, the satisfaction you felt when she would laugh at one of your jokes, you wanted to keep her laughing forever, yet feeding this futile task would do nothing but eat away at your soul. You wanted to grip her thick, long hair in your fist, you wanted to hear about her magic directly from her perfectly full lips, you needed her to divulge her secrets and you couldn't be content otherwise. How did she do it? Where did this attraction stem from? She controlled every being within a twenty foot radius. She was good at pretending like this attraction didn't exist though, and this somehow made her all the more desirable.